Graduating college is awesome…if awesome is like having your heart ripped out by a piranha, getting shat on by a bird, and having three midgets kick you in the balls, all while being held at gunpoint by a masked man threatening to blow your freakin brains out. Yeah, graduating college pretty much blows.

The only thing worse than being a recent graduate is being unemployed. Sure, we’ll all find jobs eventually, but the position you land will immediately distinguish you from the rest of your peers. Still, whether you become a doctor, lawyer, teacher, plumber, priest, or stripper, the primary goal is the same; we all want to get the fuck out of our parents house (stripping may not be the most respectable profession, but it will at least get you thrown out of your parents house).

I remember when I was a young, naïve freshman entering into the great world of college. Everything was in front of me, and I was eager to welcome new friends and new experiences while becoming a better person. I certainly made those friends and we shared some pretty wild experiences (no homo), but am I better person? Eh…debatable. Do I feel like the time flew by too fast? No. Freshman year definitely feels like a long time ago. Do I have many regrets? Not really (maybe a couple hookups here or there…probably could’ve gotten a few more BJs instead of settling HJs). Overall though, I’m pretty satisfied with my experience. But would I do anything to go back for another year? You bet your god damn ass I would. I’d do anything to have one more belligerent happy-go-lucky day of wandering around aimlessly, “killin it” and “being frat”, picking up girls who are looking for a good time with no emotional attachments (just physically…). College is awesome.

But the truth is, we can’t go back (cue the Jack to Kate “We have to go back!” – Lost reference). Sure, maybe for grad school or law school, but that’s not the same. It’s impossible to re-live the carefree undergraduate days when your most difficult decision was whether to hit the bong or take the time to roll a joint (can you imagine how much more we’d collectively achieve if individuals applied the same time, effort, and preciseness of joint-rolling into other things?). But in college (at least the first three and a half years) you don’t give a crap about accomplishing goals, fulfilling dreams, or being proactive. All you care about is funneling beers, making Jello shots, getting laid, and hitting the last cup in beer pong. In fact, most college students’ greatest “sports highlights” happened on the beer pong table (who can forget that epic come-from-behind victory, that isolated shot, or the time you hit those five straight cups without a re-rack? No re-rack?? Insane!!). That’s what college is all about.

Now it’s time to take all the great knowledge we obtained at school such as: how to smoke out of an apple, how to tap a keg, the perfect way to poor a beer, the importance of wearing a condom (and/or how to find the nearest store that sells Plan-B pills) and apply this knowledge in the real world. But what is the “real world?” If you asked some female college students (who have BACs higher than their GPAs) they’d probably tell you it was a groundbreaking reality show on MTV. While this response would likely justify you wanting to reconstruct their face (though I’m sure their doctors have already), it’s actually important to reflect on what makes college surreal.

I learned a lot about myself in college…things I couldn’t have discovered anywhere else. Though you learn a lot in your classes, you get much more out of your social interactions and relationships outside of the classrooms. You can be the biggest book nerd in the world, but what’s the point if you can’t walk up to a girl at a bar and strike up a conversation? (Trust me, its not that hard. Most girls in college get passed around more than a dildo at a nunnery. No offense to any college girls… or nuns). Now that we’ve graduated, we will have different opportunities to live and learn, and where better to have these experiences than out in the workplace?

“But what will we do without adderall??”- the frequent library attendant cries (to most college kids, trying to do work without adderral is like trying to masturbate without your hands- it’s impossible….or is it?). Well, though we may not be “cracked out” anymore, we’ll still be able to get our work done and operate effectively. Whether through meeting co-workers, dealing with bosses, or figuring out the nearest and most convenient place to drop a deuce on your lunch break, we can continue to educate ourselves in new ways and adapt to life’s challenges. Challenges such as: dealing with unemployment, potentially getting fired, tough break ups, paying the rent, and some guy cutting you off on a highway causing you to want to get your Louisville Slugger out of your trunk and break his freakin windshield, but you don’t, because you realize his 9-month pregnant wife is in the back seat about to release another great specimen into the world. These are all obstacles we can rise above and mature from during the process.

So yeah, college is over. It sucks. It really does. Those of us who are unemployed may feel like we are in a standstill purgatory (I hated the ending of Lost by the way), but think of all the opportunities that await us. All the things we’ve ever dreamed of doing can finally be accomplished (or at least attempted) and we can forget about all the pains of schooling that have driven us crazy throughout our entire lives. No more extra credit assignments, no more short answer tests, no more pop quizzes, no more essays on meaningless topics that we couldn’t care any less about, no more TA’s abusing their power, and no more asking “can I go to the bathroom?” and receiving obnoxious answers like “I don’t know CAN you?” (Yes I CAN, and if you don’t let me I’m going to prove it to you right HERE on your floor). All these school troubles are now behind us. It’s time to grab life by the horns and tackle that mother down.

Sure some of us will just have pretty standard jobs, while others of us will rise to the top in a conquest to seize the day and end world hunger. But hey, as long as you can provide for your family, you’re doing just fine. So all in all, to those of you who are still in college…fuck you. We hate you. But for those of us who have recently graduated, it’s not the end of the world (though if times get too tough we can hope the Mayan Prophecy of the world ending in 2012 is more accurate than the other religious freaks’ predictions). And for those of us in New York, what better place to get hammered and “rage face” than New York City?

So to the Class of 2011, I say lets take a deep breath and get ready to step up our game. Lets all take a giant glass of water, plant some seeds on our genitals, and grow some balls (women included). Lets grow a nice sack, and get out there champ. This world is a crazy place but our generation is going to do big, big, big things to help improve it. If not, someone will hopefully create an app that will. God Speed Class of 2011, God speed.